BUFFALO, NY — Tom Derekson, owner and proprietor of It’s Just Fucking Pizza: a Pub Place, has fallen on hard times with his company. After opening the doors of his restaurant to hordes of nobody, several months ago, Tom’s been pulling his hair out in frustration. “Nothing I’ve done for this place seems to be working,” the floundering entrepreneur told Sauce OTS, “my spam emails with coupons for my business and male enhancement pills hasn’t gotten much of anything, the fifteen minutes or less delivery scheme I tried turned out to be impossible, so I just gave a bunch of my food away for free and don’t even get me started with the TV ads I aired last week. How was I supposed to know that two girls one pub was close to some internet thing?”
With the livelihood of himself and others in Tom’s awe-inspiringly inept hands, Mr. Derekson has swallowed his pride and called the Restaurant Owner’s Support Hotline (1-800-NO-FUCKS.) After several failed attempts to reach the ‘My Business Is Failing’ department, through pressing 2 para espanol, 6 for ‘Where the Fuck Is My Delivery
Truck,’ and 7 for ‘I Started Drug Testing My Employees And I Can’t Fire This Many People Without Closing,’ Mr. Derekson finally got some much needed help. Sasha, from the support line, was very sorry to hear that Mr. Derekson was experiencing difficulties with his business, and that she would do everything in her power to help him today. Sasha also asked if he would be okay with this call being recorded for quality assurance, and Tom agreed.
Sauce OTS has transcribed that phone call in order to paint a more clear picture of Tom’s situation.
Tom: So, like I said, the Superbowl is coming up and I’m a pizza place. We need to get some goddamn food moving out of this place.
Sasha: I understand your frustration Mr. Derekson, but please refrain from using such foul language. Now, have you checked to make sure your register is working correctly?
Tom: Yes, of course I did that! I’ve checked everything, I don’t want to spend more time on here than I have to.
Sasha: *typing on keyboard* Okay, that is strange. How about your company’s phone, is that operational?
Tom: Are you fucking kidding!? I’m fucking calling you from it!
Sasha: Mr. Derekson, this is your final warning about such language. Any more and you will be disconnected. Now, have you tried closing your business for fifteen seconds and opening it back up again?
Tom: Do you think I’m a fucking idiot? Yes, yes I did that. I did it before I fucking called you! Give me something I can use to get some goddamn customers in this place!
Sasha: I’m sorry sir, but you’ve reached your profanity limit for this phone call. I’m going to have to disconnect you at this time.
At the time of publication, Tom and his inspirationally failing business have been unable to make any improvements to their situation.