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FRESNO, CA — La Finca de los Tontos, a newly opened culinary experience, has been swamped with calls for reservations, and currently has a six month wait list. This is due to the fact that they have taken the farm to table movement in the service industry to its inevitable conclusion: they are placing their customers in a literal field. Many in the restaurant business didn’t expect something this smug until at least three more seasons of Chef’s Table had come out on Netflix, but the creator of La Finca is a true visionary when it comes to self-aggrandizing.

“La Finca came to me in a dream, on the wings of an eagle,” Carl Smith, owner and founder, told Sauce OTS in a poorly attempted British accent, “I don’t like to think of the restaurant as a thing. She is a living, breathing beauty that constantly tells me how amazing I am. I only keep my cooks on staff for three shifts at most, because that’s the longest amount of time I can stand to see her with another man.” Sauce On the Side would like to emphasize, again, that he said all of that in a terrible British accent.

The menu of La Finca de los Tontos largely consists of whatever unsuspecting mammal wonders onto the property. At which point it is gunned down by a sixteen year old hostess who almost always shoots with her eyes closed. If you would like an appetizer, your server will inform you that the wild grasses and berries in the forest one hundred yards away are available for you to pick at your leisure.For dessert, you are handed a bill that includes a 1,000 dollar ambiance fee. When asked to give their opinion on the dining experience, here’s what one couple had to say: “We hated every second of it. It was amazing, and we cannot wait to make another reservation. The chef is a remarkable visionary.”

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