SANTA FE, NM — David Metzer, an area patriarch and veteran in spousal arguments, has reached his level of tolerance in meat-based tomfoolery. The ground beef luddite had managed to throw his arms up in disgust and chuck the menu at a neighboring table within twenty seconds of being seated at Flank’s Stake. The local eatery had managed to hurl his sensibilities into disarray in record time, without even giving him adequate time to properly read the overly pretentious kid’s menu.

“A turkey patty for a burger? Don’t even give me that jive,” David told Sauce OTS, “back in my day, whatever came between two buns was what you got. Half the time, I couldn’t even tell if what I was about to put into my mouth was actually beef. Let alone safe for consumption.” As a bastion of acceptable low-brow cuisine, Mr Metzer holds his values dear. Anything besides lettuce on top of a beef patty is entirely unacceptable to the struggling divorcee.

“At least I didn’t bring my kids here,” David, who only sees his children once a month, said, “the last thing I need is for them to get an artificial expectation of what my backyard burgers are supposed to be. The very notion of chutney on a burger would derail the custody agreement I spent their college fund on. Any food in between two buns should be a compromise between wolfing it down out of desperation and wholesale dissatisfaction. Just don’t tell my ex I know what the word compromise is.”

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