LAS VEGAS, NV — Michael Dumas, veteran cook and moderate burnout, has been working at Glooteny for the past five years. Conveniently enough, half a decade is the same amount of time that Mike’s coworkers have been putting up with his magnificent substance abuse. During the first six months of his employment, his coworkers thought that he was just fascinated with the fryer handles, due to the fact that he would simply stare at them for hours and refuse to touch them out of ‘reverence.’ It just so happens that Mr. Dumas was just tripping his balls off on LSD. For the past year and a half, Michael has been huffing ether like a shop vac. Today, however, one of the dishers mistakenly threw out the stash Mr. Dumas was hiding in dry storage.

“I knew Mikey was going to do something crazy when that happened,” Taylor, Glooteny’s kitchen manager, told Sauce OTS, “turns out, crazy for Mike when he’s looking for a fix involves scrambling around the restaurant yelling random shit for fifteen minutes, and then disappearing. We were searching for him for the next thirty minutes. In that time, Mikey had managed to huff three cases of whipped cream. He had somehow wormed his way into the bottom shelf of the walk-in and made himself a wall of cans out of the whippets,” Taylor decided to forever preserve the shit show by taking a picture of him with his phone. He showed this reporter the image, and then carried on, “the guy seriously thought he was in his bed at home. He kept telling us to get out of his room in this weird smeagol voice, We tried to pry him out of the walk-in, but then Mikey just started taking his clothes off and telling us that we couldn’t be in his safe place while he was naked.”

Michael managed to make his way back onto the line fifteen minutes before shift change. When confronted about the episode by his coworkers, Mr. Dumas had this to say, “Oh yeah, that shit was crazy. I think we should fire that dishwasher, he’s just not pulling his weight. He spends way too much time fucking around. Anyway, does anyone know where I can score some coke?”

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