NEWTON, KS — Melody Carver was eating at Tom’s Diner on her way from Kansas City to Wichita earlier today. Upon arriving at the restaurant, Melody loudly proclaimed to everyone inside that she was gluten-free and wondered if anyone had ever heard of that before. Her server endured forty-five minutes of Miss Carver’s patronizing explanation of how amazing she feels after cutting gluten out of her life completely.
On her way to the bathroom, Melody became lost, despite the fact that there is clear signage posted throughout the restaurant. In a nutrient deficient stupor, she somehow wandered into a local farmer’s wheat field. After leaving several Yelp reviews complaining about the field’s amenities and ambiance, Miss Carver decided that she might as well try the food.
She managed to go eat around three pounds of raw wheat and chaff, before realizing what she had done. In her final Yelp review of the amber waves of grain, Melody was clearly ready to talk with a manager about the wheat not being labeled appropriately on the non-existent menu. She was found several hours later. The autopsy has revealed her cause of death to have been a heart attack, likely brought on by her first ever minor inconvenience.