INDEPENDENCE, MO — Garrett Calthrop has been a professional DJ for the past 5 years. In addition to constantly plugging himself on Facebook until his own mother blocked him, Garrett has found himself in the midst of an early twenties crisis. His only girlfriend since middle school broke up with him right before his most crucial performance to date. The all-ages club Minor Inconvenience has invited him to, as he calls it, “create his unique form of dank soundscapes” on a Friday night in front of as many as 35 people. Rather than “make the panties drop like his bass does” like Mr. Calthrop promised, he has forgone his usual setlist in favor of repeating Gotye’s one-hit wonder.
“She broke my heart and my ability to create audible sex,” Garrett, scrolling through their old texts, told Sauce On the Side. “She was the first woman I’ve loved. Only if you don’t count Stacy from the seventh grade and her mom. I just want everyone to feel what I’m feeling right now. Because, if I know anything, it’s that I’m the most important person in the room.”
It would seem that the clientele of Minor Inconvenience isn’t taking to Mr. Calthrop’s emotional breakdown. “Seriously, if this guy plays that song one more time, I’m going to give him another reason to cry,” Kendra James, a 9th grade regular, said, “I didn’t stay out past my curfew for this. I came to get litty city. “
The owner of Minor Inconvenience, who prefers to remain anonymous for some reason, told Sauce OTS: “Look, I can tell the kid is clearly going through something, I just got dumped by this girl I met after clicking an ad that told me there were hot singles in my area. He’s got one night to get this out of his system. If he doesn’t come back tomorrow and ‘remix the remix to ignition’ like he promised, I’m gonna have to let him go. Still, he’s not as bad as the last DJ. That guy would take requests and just start playing Smashmouth instead.”