MEMPHIS, TN — Dwayne Casey is a 19 year old server at Mafia Tony’s Kneecappin’ Spaghetti. He loves Busch Light, the stars, The Insane Clown Posse, and -at least until today- his girlfriend Amber. None of his coworkers are entirely sure what happened, and Dwayne doesn’t seem ready to talk about it outside of mumbling to himself. He has also been playing Everybody Hurts, by R.E.M. on repeat, over the speakers of the restaurant for the past six and a half hours.
Every time a customer orders something from Dwayne, he simply responds with “Amber would love that.” Mr. Casey seems to grow more downtrodden as the happy couples stream in to celebrate their Valentine’s Day. “I was with Amber for two and a half amazing months,” Dwayne said to this reporter, “you couldn’t possibly understand how much pain I’m in right now. She was the one. I’m 19. Do you have any idea how hard it is to know that I’m going to be spending the rest of my life settling for someone else now?”
Sauce OTS approached one of the tables in Dwayne’s section, in order to get a better understanding of how this cataclysm is affecting his work. Here’s what they had to say: “I’m not entirely sure what’s happening. We’re just trying to have a nice night out for Valentine’s Day, and this kid is clearly going through some stuff. When we asked to see a dessert menu he just said ‘Whatever, Amber never liked dessert.’ Then he just dropped the menu directly onto my dirty plate and walked away. Now we’ve got our check, but it looks like he split it without asking us. We told him that we were paying together, but I don’t think he cares and it doesn’t look like he’s going to change it.”