BROOKLYN, NY — The local bar scene has been witness to a new trend that has been frequently described as: “a confusing pain in the ass.” It would seem that the local hipsters have taken to microdosing just about any alcohol they can get their hands on. “It really helps me get through the day,” Craig Thompson, who only listens to cassettes because they sound ‘warmer,’ told Sauce On the Side, “I feel like I’ve grown as a person ever since I started microdosing whiskey throughout the day.” Mr. Thompson’s boss has noticed the change in his employee, stating: “I knew he was getting drunk at work all day, I just wasn’t sure how he was doing it.”


The preferred method for microdosing shots is to place them in a gelatin capsule and take them throughout the day in order to experience a constant state of inebriation. The fad has had a few setbacks; however, one sorority girl has been hospitalized. After she had taken three capsules and claimed that she wasn’t feeling anything, she proceeded to take fifty more in one sitting. “This is medicine, and it needs to be respected,” Astral Starr, clearly not her birth name, said, “if you aren’t an experienced microdoser, you won’t be able to handle serious amounts of the stuff. You’ve gotta work up to that level of clarity like Gypsy Steve has.”


Gypsy Steve has been noted as one of the greatest liquor-based microdosing shamans in the area. The reason for this is still unclear, due to the fact that he is literally a homeless man with an enormous drinking problem. “Gypsy Steve is so enlightened,” Erica Ericson, told Sauce OTS, “he’s moved on to macrodosing. One time, I saw him drink vodka straight from the bottle, like, the whole thing. It was so inspiring. I hope that I can be on his level one day. For now, though, I’m content with letting a master shaman like Gypsy Steve guide me.”

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