MESA, AZ — The staff of Hot Clam have been carrying on the proud middle school tradition of maintaining a ‘Hot or Not’ list in the employee bathroom. Ever since the business started eight years ago, the list has been meticulously updated and revised based on the number of employees, who’s single, general attitudes, and how hungover everybody is. “There’s so many criteria, sometimes it’s hard to keep track,” Erica Roberts, ranked seventh hottest (female, currently single category,) told Sauce OTS, “but that’s why we have a manual for it. It’s been handed down for generations of staff.”

Unfortunately, the integrity of the list is currently in jeopardy. After the quarterly audit, conducted by an independent group of BOH, FOH and bartenders, it was determined that a suspiciously high amount of bartenders have been climbing the list at an alarmingly fast rate. “Without having any significant turnover, results like this are quite unexpected,” Oscar Isaac, kitchen auditor, said, “we had no choice but to launch an investigation in order to determine the validity of the rankings. What we found was shocking.”

It would appear that a cadre of bartenders at Hot Clam had conspired to artificially inflate their own rankings. Grand Jury testimony revealed that the criminals in question had bought votes through offering free drinks, regularly overserved staff members with intent to manufacture attractiveness, and willfully altered their uniforms in order to accentuate their features. “It just makes me sick that people would violate the sanctity of The List like this,” Tiffany Baker, a server ranked eleventh (female, taken category) and second (best tickets,) stated, “I’m just glad that the perpetrators have an asterisk on their score. That’s something they’re going to have to live with for the rest of their employment.”

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