LEAVENWORTH, KS — David Bradley Cooper, local resident of the maximum security federal prison, has been given only a matter of hours to live before death by lethal injection. David Cooper, known to his friends as ‘DB,’ will be going out on an empty stomach. As it stands, the one request he had: a medium-well done steak with a baked potato and pan seared green beans, are not up to his expectations. “Prison food may have been the only thing I’ve eaten for decades, but goddammit I know when my palate has been undermined,” David told Sauce OTS.
“I know what a steak that’s medium-well should look like. I should know, I;m an expert after not having one for years, and maybe pleasuring myself to the thought of it,” DB said. After consulting several experts, including the prison guards themselves, no one is quite sure what Mr. Cooper is talking about, let alone his reasons for sending his final meal on this planet back simply because it doesn’t meet his horrifically skewed set of deathbed standards. One of the prison’s employees, and a veteran of several backyard BBQ’s, told Sauce OTS that the steak was done exactly to David’s specifications.
“That’s exactly what I’ve been saying,” Oscar Isacs, head chef for Ruthless Chris’ Steakhousse, told this reporter, “If this moron has no idea what a steak cooked to temperature should look like, then he has no business ordering it for his last goddamn meal before he breathes his last. Frankly, I could give a shit less if he sends it back or not, I’m going to make sure that it doesn’t come back until he’s dead and gone. It’s the same thing I do with any date night table that gives me shit about what I’m serving them; I always wait to give them what they want until it’s already too late.”
When David Bradley Cooper was reached for comment, while being restrained in order to await his court appointed demise, all he had to say was, “seriously? Fuck that guy.” It would appear that, after asking the head chef for Ruthless Chris, the sentiments are shared.