SEATTLE, WA — The Instagram restaurant, AirBites, has created quite a stir amongst the millennial crowd through serving their menu. Just their menu, nothing more. If you have to ask them why, you obviously can remember the nineties. Those with legitimate and self-diagnosed food allergies alike have made AirBites a trending topic on every social media platform. “AirBites is, like, totally, like, my fave! They really know how to help me keep my beautifully, opaque complexion and my luscious, hollow cheeks -which is necessary for any diehard makeup tutorial artist. AirBites totally accomodates my gluten, dairy, fruit, vegetable, and carb sensitivities,” Catalina, a 31 year-old Instagram make-up tutorial artist who insists people recognize her on the street, told Sauce OTS. Remarkably, the self-proclaimed maven of mascara only fainted twice while being interviewed in her parents basement.
When reached for comment, the owners of AirBites -while constantly looking over their shoulders- had this to say, “As a company, our mission is to give our customers the experience of dining out without any of the guilt, embarrassment, nutrition, or general feeling of fullness that their fabricated dietary impulses often elicit. Easing the inferiority complex the foodies at our establishment feel regularly by providing them with incredible menu-photographing opportunities, is at the core of who we are and what we aim to do.” AirBites boasts an expansive menu, consisting of two whole meal plan options. The daily menus are a reasonable $5 but the bullshit-shoveling, front for the cartel also have plans to include a weekly box option for $20.
During the interview with AirBites management, they confessed to Sauce OTS that they will be rolling out a new special: a glass box with actual food inside. At their table, the customer will get a chance to smell the food and if they are feeling charitable, mail the box to a random child. The company will then photoshop you, the socially-conscious consumer, into a picture of the confused child receiving the food. You can then put that gross display of self-aggrandizing on your Instagram, Tinder, or Holiday card so that your friends and family can watch your head disappear up your own asshole. They hope to also offer a service for pets in the next few months.