BATON ROUGE, LA — No one on staff at Steak It Out knows what’s going on with the busboy they just hired and they’re not sure if they want to. Derrick Swanson is 35 years old, covered in tattoos, unable to form complete sentences, and possibly masturbating in the bathroom whenever he gets a break. Without speaking to him directly, it’s been determined that the sole reason he was hired was that he’s probably one of the owner’s cousins. “He might be ex-military,” Melody Langer, said. “It seems like he’s got PTSD. I mean, he always runs off to smash plates in the dish pit and scream: ‘No Cody, No!’ whenever you ask him how his day is going. So we kind of just give him a pass on that.” Derrick regularly takes customer’s plates while they’re still eating from them, huffs glue in dry storage, and takes the cigarette butts from the dumpster home with him for “experiments.” Management worries that confronting him will lead to an aggressive response from Swanson. For now they’ve decided that a hands-off approach is the best course of action, in the hopes that he maybe dies on the way to work or something.