JERUSALEM — The Apostles gathered around Jesus have been glancing nervously at each other for the past few minutes. The dreaded time for the check has finally arrived, and they all have seen this situation play out a thousand times before. “Look, I know that Jesus over there is all into the whole ‘do unto others’ thing,” Peter whispered, “but sometimes I feel like Judas can be kind of a dick. Every time we go out to eat he sends his food back, and he never says thank you to a server. I don’t know what his deal is.”


In an attempt to avoid a charge for gratuity, Judas insisted that everyone split the ticket evenly. Despite the fact that he ordered the most expensive thing on the menu while everyone else picked value items. When the checks finally arrived, Judas complained about the weight and started trying to get them to discount the entire meal because they have the Son of God with them. When the server told him that they didn’t have any discount like that, he simply responded: “Looks like somebody doesn’t want to be saved.”


Every other Apostle has made a point to apologize to the staff at one point or another for their colleague’s behavior. “I know Jesus is all about forgiveness,” Mark said, “it’s just that it’s so hard to go out to eat with Judas. We all feel bad for whoever’s section we sit in and end up tipping over thirty percent to try and make up for it. If Jesus was right, and this is the last time we got out to eat together, I gotta say that we’re all relieved.”

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