LOS ANGELES, CA — Everyone on payroll at Mead the Fifth, a local Korean/Swiss fusion restaurant, has been forced to recount everything that they’d said to one another on September 17th of last year, the day that their least favorite co-worker, Derrick, was casually murdered. “I’m not really sure why all of us have to testify,” Stacy Carter, key witness, told Sauce On the Side, “I really think they just like hearing how we talk to each other.” Due to the fact that Derrick was killed in a 7-eleven parking lot on his day off, the exact relevancy of the banter is fairly questionable.
The prosecuting attorney insists that, while tangentially related, the dialogue is compelling. Some of the sworn statements heard before the court are:
“So then I told him that being a dick doesn’t give him a bigger one and that his mom and I laugh at how stupid his baby photos are when she’s not on top of me.”
“Yes, I knew Derrick. We would all refer to him as Captain Eunuch or Commander Dickless. Mostly because he never got laid.”
“And I responded to the cook’s insult by informing him that I would have a better time fucking myself because it would last longer than the two thrusts he could muster if we slept together.”
“Yes, I did inform my manager that I would take a shit and then hide it in various places throughout his car if he didn’t tell the servers that we had 86’d naan.”
“The servers, myself included, would call Derrick the human equivalent of donating a used dildo to Goodwill to his face. Behind his back, we would just call him ‘that asshole.’”
“Man, I’m too high to remember what I said yesterday. Just let me read it from the deposition thing you had me do.”