ASHEVILLE, NC — The employees of Occam’s Omelets, a popular breakfast spot downtown, have been scratching their heads at a newfound phenomena in their workplace. The door dividing the front and back of the house has almost gone an entire week without smacking anyone in the face, swinging backwards all of a sudden into a tray full of cups, sending an entire table’s meals careening towards the ground, or just ruining someone’s day through general fuckery.
Sauce OTS scientists, baffled by the reports, dismissed them outright. “It’s mathematically impossible, simple as that.” said Dr. Head, the prominent authority on Theoretical Bar Physics, “it would be like something being where you left it in the kitchen, or the flat top staying hot throughout an entire dinner shift. Things like that just don’t happen.” The staff has been similarly boggled by the miracle they are witnessing.
“I thought I heard it knock something out of Darci’s hands yesterday, but that was just the new guy dropping a bunch of salad,” said Jim, a line cook.
“As far as we can tell, the door is working as designed.” said the kitchen manager, who insisted we quote him as K-Boss Fo Lyfe, “maybe other stuff in this place will start working too. The sous chef said the oven downstairs hasn’t caught fire in two weeks! I think we’re going to start a religion centered around this place.”
“If any of this is true,” Sauce OTS scientists say, “that restaurant is barreling towards a disaster of epic proportions. Of course they would resort to mysticism in a situation like this. Things don’t work in kitchens, or bars, they just don’t. If their assertions are correct, the mother of all fuck ups is headed their way.”
Searching for further insight, this Souce OTS reported reached out to Ichabod, a grizzled old man who breakfasted at Occam’s Omelets. “I’ve been coming here for around 40 years,” he confided, “I notice things. I’ve heard those plates falling and people yelling before. In all my years here, it’s never been this quiet before.” He drank deeply steeling, his nerves.
“Get out of here you, can’t bring in outside alcohol! How many times do I have to tell you that,” the manager on duty shouted from behind the counter.
Out in the vacant lot behind the restaurant, that was technically off the property, we continued our interview. “The employees don’t want you guys to know about it, but this restaurant collapsed back in ‘81,” the old man said, “it was after one a quiet spell much like this one. The whole place fell in on itself. They told us it had blown up, but we all knew better.”
“That would be directly in line for our findings,” Sauce OTS scientists replied to Ichabod’s claims, “I mean, this is just one of the dangers restauranteers face all the time. If it’s not all different kinds of fucked up, you’re not making food.”