NEWARK, NJ — The BOH boys at Plate of Dishpair, in an attempt to break out of the service industry and become an international phenomenon, have been pooling the tipouts they get from the servers and bartenders. After six months of scrimping and saving, they’ve decided that it’s finally time to put their big idea into action: a website dedicated to entertaining people who work in the service industry, i.e. everyone they’ve been working with for years. They’ve already bought a URL formerly owned by a Ukrainian organ harvesting operation, learned how to create a text box in HTML, and started a Facebook page for their brainchild. “Like, I get that they’re funny, but I don’t think it’s ever going to work out for them,” Trisha Ives, bartender and human being with common sense, told Sauce On the Side. “What are they going to do? Try to be like The Onion or something? That’s never going to happen. There’s no way they’ll be able to make it past two hundred followers on Facebook without some help from FOH. If I’m being honest, our line cooks suck at using social media.” Since beginning their venture, the kitchen staff has managed to spend their entire runway in about two weeks, mostly on the booze they pound as they “brainstorm” ideas. Despite all this, the faith they’ve placed in the mutual suffering that bonds all restaurant workers has been unwavering. Thomas Parker, one of the creators of this really stupid idea, has been trying to generate as much interest from servers and bartenders as he can. So far, he’s only managed to find one of each who didn’t have anything better to do. “I really think that this going to work,” Dawson Pesto, co-idiot, said. “Everyone who’s ever worked in a restaurant has seen some crazy shit. Think about what everyone does when they get off the clock for a second. They talk about the shift they just finished. We’ll just take that everyday occurrence and ramp it up a little by giving people clearly fake last names and stuff. We’ve been hovering at like ten people a week visiting our site for a while, and we’re almost up to 300 followers on Facebook. So I think we just might be able to pull this off.” As the weeks have stretched into months, their waistlines are thinning faster than their profit margin, or lack thereof. For some reason, however, they’ve persisted in digging themselves deeper into the hole. Moonshot ideas like eventually having enough cultural relevance to push hard for raising the minimum wage, calling out shitty restaurant owners who treat their employees like shit, and shaming customers into treating restaurant workers like the human beings they actually are, have been the only thing sustaining them. To the dismay of everyone they’ve managed to trick into meeting with them, the BOH boys have decided that they don’t give a shit about being profitable and instead have chosen to focus on looking out for their coworkers. “Oh, the thing the kitchen’s been working on? Yeah, it’s pretty cute,” Amanda Bynes, former childhood celebrity and current employee at Plate of Dishpair, scoffed. “There’s no way anyone’s going to send them any ideas for posts like they’re thinking is going to happen. Everyone knows that servers, bartenders, and cooks are lazy as shit. I bet the whole thing falls apart before they hit a million visits to their site.”

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