HOUSTON, TX — Randy Dickson, kitchen manager for Shell Shucked, has been examining the course of his life up to this point, and come to an unsettling conclusion: he hasn’t been fucking around enough. “It’s like I’ve spent too much time busting my ass,” Rany told Sauce OTS, “I’ve got kids, and I know for a fact that they aren’t doing anything for me. All they do is take up my time and money. Then I’m pulling more shifts just to give them the paycheck. It’s absurd.” Mr. Dickson’s fresh take on parenting hasn’t exactly resonated with his coworkers.

“I heard the guy tell his six year old kid over the phone that he was cutting him off,” Pedro, one of his line cooks, informed this reporter, “I’m not sure that his child had any idea what that meant.” Randy has announced plans to purchase a motorcycle and get a face tattoo. His wife is incredibly confused about the whole ordeal, but isn’t entirely sure how to approach him about it. “I feel like a new man,” Randy said, “I think the next step is to take some more time out for my drinking.”

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