NEW YORK, NY — Felix Jones, line cook at Whiskey Business, is in a state of complete shock. He was mugged forty five minutes ago, but Felix is currently too busy questioning everything he’s ever believed, to file a police report. “The guy just came at me,” Mr. Jones recounted, “I’ve been teaching people the proper way to use a knife for so long now. I thought I knew what to do. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore.” At this point, Felix burst into tears. After standing and watching the 29 year old man cry for fifteen minutes, without doing anything at all to console him, this reporter grew tired of waiting, and left in order to find the perpetrator of the assault.


“That dude was weird,” Kevin Smith, professional mugger and knitting enthusiast, told Sauce OTS, “so I’m doing my thing. I pull my knife out and tell him to empty his pockets, or else. Instead of doing any of that, this guy just stares at me and starts telling me how I’m holding my blade all wrong. I’m not a fan of wise guys, so I try and give him the knife in his belly to show him I mean business. He dodges it and yells, ‘Sharp!’ He did that five times. I kept barely missing him as he’s telling me that I’m going to tire my arm out trying to cut that way. I gave up and walked off. The guy wasn’t worth my time.”


It remains to be seen whether Felix will ever be able to get over the fact that he couldn’t teach his assailant how to properly hold a knife. Mr. Jones is currently attempting to schedule an emergency session with his therapist. Kevin Smith, unsuccessful assailant, is unwilling to leave a job half finished. He plans to try and mug Felix again with a baseball bat tomorrow. Mr. Smith hopes that the bat will paint a clearer picture of what’s supposed to be happening.

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