CHANDLER, AZ — Michael Cappelli has just announced his indefinite retirement from cooking on the line. The news came as a shock to his coworkers at You Oughta Faux, but they have been incredibly respectful of the decision. “I just feel like it’s time to focus on what really matters in life,” Michael told Sauce On the Side, “things like getting kicked out of bars for shouting at people who have opinions I disagree with, passing out in random spots around my apartment, and crafting a drinking game for The Great British Baking Show.”
The employees at You Oughta Faux are trying to be as supportive as they can regarding Mr. Cappelli’s decision to dive headlong into self-destruction. “I think it’s sweet that he’s taking time off to get his priorities straight” Candice, one of Mike’s co-workers and drinking buddies, said, “he’s just got such a passion for binge-drinking. I’m really excited to see what he can accomplish when he can focus all of his energy on it.” The staff have been planning a surprise party for him to celebrate his assured success in alcoholism. The event will include his own personal keg, around three-thousand dollars worth of cocaine, and a breathalyzer/karaoke machine that is only activated when the singer reaches a set blood-alcohol level.