LAS VEGAS, NV — The staff of Bolognious Monk have been mourning the loss of Paul Carson Peters, who was often lovingly referred to as PCPete. His no holds barred approach to life/partying, in general, was an inspiration to everyone employed at Bolognious Monk. PCPete met his tragic demise after attempting to copulate with the muffler of their delivery truck. He was run over as his fellow line cooks were Snapchatting his greatest, and final, debaucherous act. In an attempt to honor their favorite self-destructive cook, the staff held a week of sobriety that lasted an incredible twenty-seven minutes.
“This restaurant is reeling from a life taken far too soon,” Sydney Laughlin, general manager at Bolognious Monk, said holding back tears, “I still find myself looking back for warning signs that PCPete was going to meet the end he did. I still wonder if I had stopped him from smoking peyote the night before would have changed things. I mean, he was also doing speedballs and had drunk enough tequila to put down a horse, so probably not but you get what I mean.”
This type of self-reflection has permeated throughout the restaurant. Every single staff member has been trying to look for the warning signs that led to PCPete’s inevitable death, but as it stands the ultimate and blatantly obvious lesson has gone completely unheeded. The crew of Bolognious Assualt has decided to hold a celebration of life ceremony for their favorite self-destructive human being later this week.
Everyone will have a gallon of PCPete’s favorite drink, Everclear, and will also have taken enough quaaludes to ensure a complete lack of self-control. The ceremony will finish with a tribute to Pete’s favorite activity: taking a shit off the roof. It remains to be seen whether the staff will learn their lesson after someone certainly dies at this upcoming celebration of life ceremony.