HOH RAINFOREST, WA — Stanley Alvarez has been lost in a Washington State National Park for the past three weeks. As a seasoned hiker, he never thought that he would find himself in this predicament. “I honestly have no idea where I am,” Stanley told Sauce OTS, “I ran out of food five days into being lost, and I’ve been on the Paleo diet ever since.” Mr. Alvarez doesn’t seem to mind being lost in the slightest. All he can talk about is how great he feels ever since he had this diet foisted upon him. “It’s amazing. I used to have little to no energy throughout the day, but now I sincerely believe that I’m the healthiest person for literal miles,” he said.
Stanley’s wife and kids were initially concerned for his well-being and safety, but now that they’ve heard news of his becoming “one of those Paleo guys,” they insist he can take his time coming home. “God I hope it’s just a phase,” Mrs. Alvarez stated, “you always hear about people coming back changed after a traumatic event. I still love him, but he’s clearly going to need some intense counseling when he gets home.” A search and rescue team found Mr. Alvarez two days ago eating an entire ginger root and then doing crunches. He informed the team that he wasn’t ready to go home, and that they could call the search off. The crew claims that Stanley was trying to tell them about the benefits of Paleo combined with CrossFit exercises. It remains to be seen if his family will want to see him ever again.