TUSCON, AZ — Jeremy Lane, manager at Clam It and member of a 311-Nickelback fusion band, has just finished filling employment papers for Tina Larson. Miss Larson marks the latest in a series of completely out of Jeremy’s league and entirely unqualified women to be placed on Clam It’s payroll. “I just think that Tina had a lot of great energy,” Mr. Lane, verified creep on Instagram, told Sauce On the Side, “I know she doesn’t have any experience in the restaurant industry and that she’s fresh out of prison after robbing her previous employer, but we’re all about fresh starts here.”
Despite being the worst trainer in the county, Jeremy has insisted upon taking Miss Larson under his wing in a desperate attempt to find companionship. The whole staff is aware of what’s going on, despite Mr. Lane’s repeated efforts to hide in plain sight. “Honestly, I don’t even care about how terrible his hiring choices are,” Jessica Smith, a server at Clam It and ‘Never-Jeremy-er,’ said, “watching him try to flirt with those girls is majestic. It’s liking seeing Picasso paint the most uncomfortably beautiful portrait you’ve ever seen, with every brushstroke there’s a cringe, and I can’t wait to see the masterpiece when it’s finished.