COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — Billy Thorton, local middle schooler, has been coming into Oysters N’ Such every day after school for the past two months. His visits are the bane of Carl Sagan’s existence. As the front of house manager, Carl has had to deal with the 12 year old’s antics for far too long. “I never thought I could hate a child so much,” Mr. Sagan told Sauce OTS, “I spend more time talking about that kid to my therapist than I do telling him about my abusive step father. I feel like Billy’s sole purpose in life is to cause my suffering. If that kid’s parents come into my restaurant, I’m going to fight them. I know that’s what will happen.”


Carl spends the early part of his day planning for Billy’s visit. He tries to entire the mind of a “pubescent jackass,” in his words, by thinking about what would make the life of any restaurant employee a living hell. Mr. Sagan ensures that he has the key to the bathroom doors in case the middle schooler tries anything funny when he’s out of sight. He also makes certain that no markers are anywhere in the building, all sanitizer buckets are full, and that all furniture in the building has been stress tested. Carl can be seen at 4:30 every day wrapping his knuckles in anticipation for Billy’s arrival. When asked why he was doing this, Mr. Sagan simply responded: “If that demon takes a swing, or something, you best believe I’m going to be ready to take him to The Thunderdome.”

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