WICHITA, KS — Jane, Kendra, Ashley, Paula, and Denise are all middle-aged women who drive a black Mercedes Benz SUV, have 2 children, and hate their calves. They have also decided to spend a girls night out at Four Hors And Seven Beers Ago. In addition to laughing far too loud at each other’s jokes and drinking a gratuitous amount of red wine, the group of self-proclaimed Cougars has also been completely blown away and confused by every single thing they’ve ordered.


Their server, Beth Marshall, has been trying to put on a brave face throughout the ordeal, but her patience is wearing incredibly thin. “If I have to hear them shout ‘get it girl’ one more time, I’m going to walk out,” Beth, trying to get as high as possible out back, told Sauce On the Side, “every single time I bring them something they ordered it’s like I’m some kind of magician who used dark magic to summon a great riddle for them. If I end up like that I want someone to put a bullet in my head.”


Below is a transcript of some of the women’s reactions to their food arriving:


“Oh my goodness! Look at that! It’s got an avocado on the plate,” it’s actually cilantro. “And the sauce looks so spicy,” she’s referring to honey mustard. “What’s that? I think it’s some kind of sandwich or something. Do we just eat it with our hands?” the item in question is a BLT. “Wow! It’s got the dressing on the side. I thought it was a tossed salad,” Beth had to remind them that they requested the dressing on the side. “Would you look at that, it’s got some kind of cheese on it,” those are nachos.

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