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KANSAS CITY, MO — Justin Dustin, a newfound employee at Rick’s Fauxfu House of Smugness, was arrested this morning after making credible threats against his employer. In addition to lying about going to raves, buying oregano from an eighth grader thinking it’s weed, and masturbating to My Little Pony pornography Chris also enjoys not working so much that he decided to try and shut down the restaurant that pays him for a day. “I was going to have my mom call them again and tell them I couldn’t come in, but I think they’re getting sick of that,” Justin, a total fucking idiot, told Sauce OTS, “I just need this job for my college application, I’m going to major in astrology.”

“I don’t even want to work there anyway. Those guys are so mean. Yesterday, they told me that I had to take inventory of the ice; and I did, for like 6 hours. The whole time I was doing it, they were laughing their asses off and I still have no idea why.” One of Justin’s coworkers had this to say about the incident, “He’s been arrested? That’s fucking hilarious, as soon as the cops came by asking questions about the bomb threat, we knew exactly who to point them to. His voice kept squeaking on the phone, and my manager had to mute the phone so he couldn’t hear us laughing. I hope we can hire him back once he gets out of jail, maybe he’ll grow a pair while he’s in there.”

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