PENSACOLA, FL — Bradley Cooper has been a server at Manly Davito’s Steaks and Edibles for the past week. He has been adjusting to his new work environment with relative ease. Everything was going fine for him up until yesterday, when he was magnificently tired and one of his coworkers offered him an Adderall to get him through the day. “I had never tried anything like that before,” Mr. Cooper, who was making intense eye contact, told Sauce OTS, “I feel so fucking great right now. I’m getting more done on this shift than any of my previous ones combined. I guess this means I have ADHD, right? I hope Karen doesn’t mind if I get one from her every day from now on.”


We caught up with Karen Stanley, the casual amphetamine dealer and server, to see what she had to say on the matter. “He thinks what? No, no way,” Miss Stanley said, “that guy does not have ADHD. I gave him a thirty milligram pill and told him to take half of it. Clearly he didn’t listen to me at all, just look at him.” After further observation, it would appear that Karen was absolutely correct in her prognosis, and that Bradley was merely sky-high on methamphetamine.


Mr. Cooper spent half an hour polishing every single table in the restaurant. He wiped down one of them so hard that one of the legs broke. Brad interrupted his customers constantly, saying things like: “Yeah, great,” “Awesome, so awesome,” and “God my jaw hurts.” At one point in his shift, Bradley started doing push ups in the middle of the restaurant, and shouting about how strong he was. Karen Stanley is being held responsible by her coworkers for the monster she has created. She has vowed to never get him this high ever again.

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