DETROIT, MI — Sam Ericson is a 19 year old recent hire at Big Bites Tapas who enjoys Instagram, holistic medicine, EDM, and plans to be a crossfit trainer. He is also the object of unspeakable rage and exasperation on behalf of the entire kitchen staff. “That impotent idiot is just so happy all the time, and I absolutely hate him for it,” Josh, a senior line cook shouted, “I don’t give a damn about his book report, but he keeps talking to me about it every shift I have with him.” The servers enjoy his upbeat personality and are confused as to why he is the target of such hostility from the back of house.
“I really enjoy working with these guys, and I think that I’ll keep working here even after I get my dream job as a crossfit trainer,” the completely naive Sam told Sauce OTS. Despite the steady stream of comments like “shut the hell up,” “I don’t care about what you’re saying,” and “stop being yourself” Mr. Ericson has managed to fool himself into thinking that his coworkers somehow enjoy his presence. “Firing him isn’t enough,” Josh said, “even if we did, he’d just keep existing like that. We’re going to kill this kid. We’ve been meeting every week to plan it out. My car has a big enough trunk, so I’m in charge of dumping the body.” When informed that the kitchen was planning his demise, Sam had this to say: “Oh those guys, always hatching crazy schemes. Hey, do you wanna go to Burning Man with me?”