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STULL, KS — After hearing screams of agony that weren’t originating from the street, Jessica Tsu turned around and noticed that the dumpster area was omitting a strange, paranormal glow. “At first I was like, huh, I guess that makes sense, but then I thought about how no one’s been murdered behind our restaurant in, like, six months,” Jessica told Sauce On the Side. “So I figured it was probably just another homicide behind the grease trap, but they don’t pay me enough to stop a capital crime in progress. That’s when I went and got my manager, Tom.”

It took the two of them forty-five minutes to find the source of the wailing and gnashing of teeth emanating from under the grease trap. The portal to hell was four feet in diameter. Jessica and Tom could hear lost souls crying out for them from the hellfire below, but rather than trying to aid them in any way, they both shouted that they were still on the clock. Their refusal was then punctuated with an apt: “Go to hell.”

Now any time someone is outside taking a smoke break, the sounds of their certain fate surround them. For some reason, this doesn’t bother anyone on staff in the slightest. “I think it’s pretty rad, honestly,” Tom said. “I heard my dad screaming at me yesterday and it was just like old times, and we’ve all got friends down there so it’s nice to catch up with them. This one guy who owed Jessica a hundred bucks is down there and keeps apologizing to her. It’s hilarious. Real talk, though, nothing going on down there is any worse than working a double. I would know, I’ve seen hell.”

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