JERSEY CITY, NJ -- Conrad “Cooter” Connors is widely regarded by anyone who knows him as “that guy,” for many different reasons, all of which seem remarkably similar. Cooter, or “The Coot”, as his aunts call him, loves to get into arguments with his coworkers. Not in a healthy way. In the way that makes you want to find whatever car he is driving and set it on fire. Just last week, “John,” as his step-dad-refers to him, spent around forty-five minutes debating one of his co-workers on whether or not the Bible was originally printed in English. This debate, like most that occur between the kitchen and the front of house, was vital to the success and function of the restaurant and could not be confirmed or refuted by the most cursory of internet searches.
“I knew he was wrong,” Cassandra Daves, the opposing party in question, told Sauce On the Side, “but he was like a black hole of idiocy. I couldn’t help myself; I had to try and shine logic into the void that he calls a mind. The dude seriously thought that English was the oldest language in the world. I ended up running out of facts telling him that he was wrong. I don’t even know why I kept throwing new information out there.” A few deep sighs later, Cassandra confided tearfully, “I mean, it’s like I got a degree in medieval languages and it doesn’t matter to anyone in this restaurant.”
“Oh, yeah, Cassandra? She totally doesn’t want to admit how right I was,” Conrad said. “Even if, even if she had been right, and English wasn’t the oldest language in the world, why would she keep talking about other languages? It’s like, okay whoop-de-doo, so there were other languages, tell me why English isn’t older than they are? And she couldn’t, because all of the previous languages were all a part of what English became. Checkmate, Cassandra.”
“No matter how old the language is, she still can’t write it legibly on the tickets,” was Conrad’s last parting shot that he gifted to Sauce on the Side. When Cassandra was asked to respond, she simply gave a hand gesture whose message needs no words.
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