MIAMI, FL — David Blaine is 27 years old, chronically single, and legitimately believes himself to be the greatest gift that has ever been given to the world. No one who interacts with  Mr. Blaine has any clue how he began to justify that notion. As a line cook, he spends most of his time talking, moving as slow as possible, and burning every menu item he comes into contact with -including salads, mystically. As a lover, David spends little to no time listening to anything his significant other has to say, due to the fact that he’s waiting to talk about himself for the next twenty minutes. His friends readily admit that he’s a terrible person, but he’s their terrible person.


“So I put my application in at this restaurant, Flaming Dragon Fondue,” Mr. Blaine, who cries after reaching climax, told Sauce OTS, “my application is so dope. They had no choice but to give me a ring and bring me in for an interview. I jackhammer interviews like a boss, so I knew I was going to just crush it. They brought out some dame to interview me. And I was all like ‘oh sorry, I thought I was going to talk to your boss.’ Turns out she was the kitchen manager. Whatever, I powered through it and told her about how she would be crazy not to hire me and how she had some pretty sweet tits. She was wearing a necklace, what else was I supposed to do? Totally legit, right? Next thing I know, this broad is telling me that it just wasn’t a good fit. I stormed out of that restaurant full of idiots with my only option being to leave a Yelp review. So that everyone else knew what they were missing out on with me not being there.”


Here’s how David Blaine’s one-star Yelp review read: “Only eat here if u like rats!!! The kitchen iz full of them. This place walked away from the greatest application they had ever seen. Probably cuz they’re letting some dumb chick run the show. Food was alright, could’ve been better, if they had better cooks. But what do u expect when clownz run the crazy bin? Oh yah, and the bathrooms were dirty. So u know that those waiters are really stupid to.” Mr. Blaine hasn’t had a job in six months. His references are his drug dealer and an Uber driver he keeps getting for some reason.

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