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LAWRENCE, KS — The staff of a local diner has been congratulating themselves over their latest and greatest idea. The employees were told that they would be closing for the day in order to detail clean the restaurant top to bottom, and that they were not allowed to leave until finished. Morale plummeted due to the fact that the entirety of the restaurant was 90% grease, and could become structurally unsound if anything was removed from the walls. After banging their heads together for a few hours, and avoiding scrubbing anything, an impressively high busboy had this to say: “Dude, there’s water in all the sprinklers. Why don’t we just pour degreaser on everything and then set them off, ya know?” The restaurant staff agreed to stop mocking stoned the 19 year old immediately.

The laziest staff in the history of the service industry set to work. It took five minutes to throw bottles of degreaser around in a frenzied manner only matched by arsonists with gasoline. Ten minutes after that, they grabbed several bottles of liquor from the bar, a few chairs from tables 12 and 38, and set the sprinkler system off. The fire department arrived on the scene 15 minutes after the restaurant was transformed into a hurricane-like fury of rain. They found the staff already hammered drunk and bubbling over with pride. It is unclear at this time whether the staff will be fired, or even clean up the flood they had created.

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