BUFFALO, NY — It’s an open secret for the staff of Bolognious Assault that the restaurant owner doesn’t care about them at all. The grill has been broken for six months, servers have to bring their own glass cleaner in, and the bartenders have been warning their customers not to sit in three of the eight seats at the bar since they’ve opened.


“Look,” Carter Gauge, one of the servers at Bolognious Assault told Sauce On the Side, “this place seems to run in spite of itself. I have no idea how we make this restaurant work every day. There is one thing we tell every new hire on their first day that kind of prepares them for what they’re getting into. We tell them to never get hurt here. That this is the worst place to injure yourself.”


It would seem that Carter is one hundred percent correct about Bolognious Assault’s track record on treating wounds. There is no first aid kit to be found anywhere, anyone who suffers an injury just runs to dry storage and starts making various balms and tinctures. There is a list of various recipes posted on the shelf for ailments ranging from head trauma to knife cuts to broken bones. It almost always just says to put mustard or vinegar on it, quit being a bitch, and get back to work.

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