LAWRENCE, KS — Last Thursday, an area restaurant was ordered off the premises of the strip mall they’d called home for five years. The owner has claimed that he will take any necessary steps to be reinstated as a legitimate, beneficial member of the outlet community. After multiple complaints that the employees were “taking shots constantly” and forcing people to “drain the hot water out the coffee machine,” the police decided to open an investigation.


         The undercover officer’s harrowing account shed light on a pattern of behavior that was deemed unacceptable by the mall authorities. “I’ve never seen a group so exclusive, and with so many inside jokes,”  the unnamed police officer recounted, “it was like they were speaking some kind of drunken language.” Charges were officially filed after the investigator was forced to “get a bag of steam for the dishwasher from the bar.” No such bag of steam was even possible to attain.

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