NASHVILLE, TN — The Pita Abyss, an area restaurant, has taken steps recently in revamping their menu in order to give their guests a greater fine dining experience. After several culinary experiments, the owners of The Pita Abyss have rolled out several new additions to their entrees including: alcohol diffused from their line cooks urine, hand punched guacamole, and salt at every table that has been condensed from the tears of their staff. According to the patrons, every single one of their new menu items has been a smash hit. People have been returning to the restaurant several times a week for their favorite dishes.
“You’ve gotta try that hand punched guacamole,” Jessica Wright exclaimed, “it’s the best thing I’ve eaten in months. When that server comes out to the table and just starts hitting the shit out of avocados, pits and all, I can see the rage that’s been bubbling inside the wait staff for months, just beneath the thin veneer of courtesy that they’re forced to endure in order to make a living. There isn’t one other place around here that gives you dinner and a show this good.”
Mike Estevez, a new regular to The Pita Abyss, had this to say, “I wasn’t much of a drinker before trying the Line Cook Bold Fashioned. I have no idea how they got all that liquor out of their piss, but it’s delicious. The stuff is like 180 proof, and you can bet it gets the job done. The subtle mix of whiskey, tequila, fernet, utter despair, and a pining need to escape from the weight of their last shift gives it a smooth draw that leaves me with a subconscious feeling of ‘I need this’ and you can bet that I don’t stop at just one.”
The real crowd pleaser, however, is the salt made from the employee’s tears, Tera Bronson told Sauce OTS, “dude, if you haven’t tried it, you need to. I put tons of it in my to-go box when I eat here. There’s just such a profound sense of frustration and general tension in those tears that they manage to keep in the salt. I come back for it almost every day of the week. It kind of bums me out when the employees see how much I like eating their tears, but I get over it pretty quick. Actually, one time, a server started crying when she saw how much I liked the salt, and all I could think about was how great it was that they weren’t going to run out of tears anytime soon.”