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BOISE, ID — Delbert Huntington, is 38 years old, habitually single, and maintains a relationship with his long term live-in cat, Chairman Meow. He is also single-handedly undermining the health and safety of restaurant goers across the entire city of Boise, Idaho. “Who, Delbert? I love that guy. My restaurant has Critical Violations all over the place. All I have to do to get a passing grade is peer pressure him into it,” an anonymous restaurant owner, and remarkably shady individual, informed Sauce OTS. Delbert’s lack of confidence, and complete absence of self-esteem, has been the source of numerous food borne illnesses over the course of ten years.

 

“At the end of the day, I really need people to like me. I want to be the cool health inspector who people are excited to see walk into their businesses,” Delbert said. As it stands now, Mr. Huntington is blissfully unaware of the gravity of his actions and the fact that this tact is not actually garnishing him any friends whatsoever. Delbert has never actually gained, in his words, “carnal knowledge of another human being.” He does, however relish every opportunity he gets to smell a woman’s hair. We reached out to Stanley Hutchinson, an expert in what it takes to be a functioning human being. After analyzing the data presented to him, Mr. Hutchinson projects that Delbert will more than likely die alone. After working for nearly a decade as a health inspector, he has been unwittingly responsible for over one hundred hospitalizations. His legacy of disease will live on in infamy, alongside the likes of Typhoid Mary

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