AUSTIN, TX — Experts the world over have been reeling at the latest discovery by scientists at the University of Texas. After taking multiple samples from area restaurants, it has been determined that complex, alcohol-based life forms not only exist but are thriving in a service industry environment. “For hundreds of years, we’ve been led to believe that homo sapiens were the only ape-like creatures to be walking the planet,” Grimaldi Chancelade, the principal investigator who never fails to remind you that he is a doctor, told Sauce On the Side very smugly. “As my publication shows, however, we’ve found compelling evidence that suggests a new type of human-like life form that is entirely dependent upon alcohol. Also, I have a doctorate. So be sure to mention that whenever you reference me.”
The study asserts that these life forms have been able to adapt to modern society and live among the regular human population seamlessly. They’re preferred habitats are frequently restaurants, strip clubs, and casinos. Their diet consists almost entirely of alcohol, with the occasional venture to a McDonald’s or Taco Bell in order to maintain their vitamin levels.
“One of the best ways to spot one of these ‘Alcoholites’ is to pay close attention to their behavior,” the study says. “They will spend a significant portion of their time working, much like a human would, but they will also be consistently taking in alcohol in order to stay alive. Further research will be required in order to effectively determine the varying Species within the Genus. One of the more striking distinctions is the type of alcohol the ‘Alcoholites’ consume.”
It remains to be seen whether or not a scientist who isn’t allergic to parties will refute the findings.