AKRON, OH — Bert Calthrop, a dishwasher at Appeteaser, has been in a serious relationship with Karen Brently, one of the servers, for almost two years now. If there’s one glaring flaw in the couple’s history, it would be the fact that Karen has no idea how serious it’s gotten at all. “Okay, so I told him I loved him years ago,” Ms. Brently told Sauce OTS, “it was only because he put the forks face up so I could wrap silverware faster, but I guess he took it to heart.”

Bert, who lies to the unfortunate women that strike up a conversation with him that he’s allergic to latex, has never once faltered in his faithfulness to Karen. “Yeah, it’s hard watching her go home with other people,” Mr. Calthrop said, “but that’s how strong our love is. I don’t even care that she never wears an outfit that I tell her she looks good in ever again. I love her, and she tolerates me. We’re such a quirky pair.” It would seem that Bert has no idea what a healthy relationship is, or what it takes to start one. The line cooks frequently ask him if he has plans with his girlfriend tonight.

Karen, who only had this brought to her attention recently, is completely appalled by the situation. She has no idea why anyone whatsoever, would feed the flames of Bert’s unrequited passion. “I have described that dude, on more than one occasion, as a walking advertisement for birth control. I wouldn’t touch him with the ten and a half foot pole that he always claims to have,” Karen informed this reporter. It would seem that this honesty is lost on Mr. Calthrop. When told about his ‘girlfriend’s’ statements, Bert had this to say: “Oh, she always plays hard to get. That’s the cute little game we play. Just wait until I make her look at my sweet new tattoo with her face on it. That’ll seal the deal for sure.”

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