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ROCHESTER, NY — Brock Tanner has invited all of his coworkers to his “DUI Announcement” party this Thursday in the hopes that they will accept him as one of their own. Needless to say, the entire concept of having an announcement party for a criminal offense has perplexed everyone he works with. “Hands down the weirdest disher I’ve ever worked with in my life,” Cameron Lawson, line cook/unwitting best friend to Brock, told Sauce On the Side. “I’m pretty sure he only got a DUI to prove to us that he parties. Which is a really stupid thing to do, but that’s Brock for you. Last week he told us that he always wears two condoms because he wants to be twice as safe.” The party itself will be held in Mr. Tanner’s mother’s basement starting at six o’clock pm and ending whenever his mom gets home from work. “No, I’m not going to some high school kid’s get-together,” Amanda Brines, number 2 on Brock’s list of coworkers with “tappable asses,” said. “I’m fucking thirty, and this kid asked me if I wanted to go to prom with him a few days ago. If I were going to make any bad decisions with any of the new hires here, it definitely won’t be with the kid who thinks that working out with rocks is the same as going to the gym.”

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