FORT WAYNE, IN — Stacy Smith has been in a standoff with local police and SWAT for the past 18 hours. The situation began during yesterday’s dinner rush when she barricaded herself in the expo station, taking table 13’s check hostage. Efforts to deescalate the situation have been fruitless.

“I just want my twenty percent,” Stacy told Evan Miser, Fort Wayne’s crisis negotiator. “They camped out through the whole dinner shift and racked up a 130 dollar tab. I know their type; as soon as they asked to speak with my manager I knew that they were gonna stiff me.”

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Evan Miser said. “Stacy was right about Table 13. They were going to screw her over. We’ve been using Miss Smith’s manager as a liaison to the table in question in the hopes that we can bring this to a peaceful conclusion.”

For the past three hours, Tom, Stacy’s manager, has been doing his best to put a shine on Table 13’s dining experience. It took forty-five minutes to convince them that the lighting in the restaurant wasn’t too dim. Tom has also raised the temperature in the restaurant two degrees in order to accommodate them. “I think I’ve got them up to 18 percent,” Tom told Sauce On the Side. “If I could just get them to realize that the music playing over the speakers is corporate’s decision and not mine or Stacy’s we just might be able to see our way through this.”

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