BROOKLYN, NY — Chelsea Smith was certain that she would be able to leave her former life in restaurants behind her, but after two weeks working behind a desk, the absence of stress is starting to show. Two days ago, when Chelsea told one of her coworkers that she needed to get that proposal on the fly and her colleague had no idea what that meant she said: “How much fucking crack did your mom smoke while you were in utero? I need that proposal as soon as your stupid little brain can get it done.”


“I really don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Miss Smith told Sauce On the Side, “I really thought that getting out of the service industry was going to be good for me. The pay is so much better, but nobody here knows how to do anything with a sense of urgency and it’s killing me.”


Several incidents have occurred over the course of Chelsea’s employment, all of which have been reported to HR. Human resources, however, refuses to take any further action after the first time they tried to talk to Miss Smith about her attitude at work and she told them that if anyone had a problem with her they could say it to her goddamn face and that the HR department is just a bunch of busybodies who have nothing better to do than get involved in everyone’s bullshit. It didn’t help that she was in the break room at the time and holding a breakfast sandwich “menacingly.”


“I just wish I could turn it off,” Chelsea said, “but if somebody asks me to go out to karaoke with them next week I’m going to snap. They fucking do it sober. What kind of shit is that?”

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