SPRINGFIELD, IL — An area restaurant’s risky business strategy has recently been paying off in spades. As of two months ago, the small business made their employees emotions available for sale at the register. The emotions themselves appear ketchup-like and are sold in small, clear medicine bottles with three flavors to choose from: Creamy Front of House, Zesty Kitchen, and a Prep Cook Hollandaise. Lines out of the door have been consistently appearing upon opening the restaurant for weeks now. When asked about the sauces, customers had this to say:


“Creamy Front of House is the best, it’s my family’s favorite new addition to our meals. I think what really gets us is that subtle hint of apathy followed by notes of moderate disdain in every bite.”


“Oh dude, Zesty Kitchen is the way to go. I put it on everything. There’s never been a sauce that combines the taste of blind rage, passion, and indignant discourtesy before, and I love it.”


“If you haven’t tried the Prep Cook Hollandaise, you haven’t lived. I feel like the smooth, monotonous flavor that also somehow contains both anxiety and moderate amounts of THC is so delicious it’s earth shattering.”


When Sauce OTS asked the business owner how, in fact, he developed a method for bottling the staff’s emotions, he responded with, “don’t worry about it.”

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