COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — The staff of There Will Be Bud(weiser) have just elected their newest bottom bitch. The prestigious position has been held by many employees throughout the years. All of whom have gone on to bigger and better jobs at different restaurants after quitting, to the man, with tears in their eyes. “Yeah, we typically need to hold these elections once a year,” Sandra Carson, general manager for There Will Be Bud(weiser,) told Sauce On the Side, “everyone on staff needs one person to irrationally direct their hate towards. It’s what keeps us from tearing each other part.”
The title of sacrificial lamb this year has been bestowed upon 26-year-old Carter Page. Mr. Page enjoys crafting improvised weapons and stashing them around the restaurant, rummaging through the dumpster in search of “treasure,” and creating his own bugout bags in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Exit polls show that Carter won a narrow victory, with the newest hostess, Tiffany, coming in second place by two votes.
“Tiffany ran a great campaign,” Sandra said, “she had everything going for her: a shitty attitude, poor work ethic, a constant need to be on the phone while working, and she also just assumed that everyone was a pervert who wanted to sleep with her. In the end, though, young Carter cemented his victory by trying to sell the kitchen boys a used cock ring. There was no way Tiffany was going to be able to compete with that. But there’s still hope for her in the next election cycle.”