ITHICA, NY — The employees of Shots and Lagers, a local haunt for college students, have decided to make 2019 the year where they actually check people’s IDs for once. Instead of their usual half-hearted glances at the government issued cards, the staff plan on doing what everyone else would consider a part of their job the whole time.


“We take our jobs pretty seriously here at Shots and Lagers,” Travis Gables, resident creepy bartender, told Sauce On the Side, “I put so much love and care into every Vegas and Jaeger bomb I make. I think we should start doing that with IDs too, you know. It’ll really help us get to know the customer better. Their eye color, where they live, stuff like that.”


Everyone besides Travis on payroll at Shots and Lagers has motives outside of potentially stalking their patrons. Most of them are tired of the fines being incurred by ABC on a quarterly basis and would like to do everything they can to prevent Dale from meeting anyone naive enough to fall for his ineffable, pervy “charm.”


“I consider what we’re doing a public service more than anything else,” Melissa Castillo, bartender and unwitting responsibili-buddy for many drunk sorority girls, said, “we’ve all done our best to keep that freak on a leash but sometimes mistakes are made. Hopefully, we can avoid any and all ‘Travisties’ from occurring in 2019. We only had a few of them this year when our resolution was to stop asking for our customers’ number.”

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