ALBUQUERQUE, NM — A blood feud of epic proportions has been unleashed upon I’m Not Chicken You Man, a local restaurant known for its potato salad. What started as a harmless game amongst the kitchen, in order to kill time, has devolved into a grotesque display of the worst side of humanity. Any customers walking into the establishment will find overturned tables being used as barricades, several chef’s knives shoved into the wall, and a group of servers huddled around a small napkin fire for warmth. The amount of chaos and fear reverberating throughout the restaurant makes it all the more incredible that the police haven’t been notified of the situation yet.

“I’m no snitch, plus we cut the phone lines hours ago,” Kelsey Grammer, veteran line cook at I’m Not Chicken You Man, told Sauce OTS, “this has become a battle for the very survival of the restaurant itself, and I intend to win goddammit.” From what this reporter could gather, it would seem that the original objective of the game was to shove a fully-cooked chicken tender into a coworker’s pocket. Upon succeeding, every member of the kitchen staff would shout, “Chicken Pockets!” and openly mock the foolish line cook who failed to keep a piece of chicken out of his pocket.

The endeavor carried on harmlessly for around 26 minutes, at which point things descended into madness. Employee Michael Kessler, after spending the shift in fifth place, upped the ante when he began placing raw chicken breasts into unguarded pockets. At this point, the kitchen staff began a full on battle royale. Raw chicken turned to uncooked fish, uncooked fish became searing hot spatulas, searing hot spatulas evolved into any knife available, and so on. While it isn’t certain when the conflict will de-escalate, one thing is clear: no pocket is safe at I’m Not Chicken You Man.

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