Table Tips In “Thoughts And Prayers”

By September 9, 2019 No Comments

TALLAHASSEE, FL — Sunday is always a mixed bag in the service industry. For those of us who serve, cook and clean, we see an interesting motley of people who find their way into the restaurant. At Breakfast ‘n’ Furious, a local eatery with booths in the shape of cars and outdated Paul Walker themed menu items that no one mentions anymore, it was a Sunday like no other. It was one of those days where, defying expectations, everybody came in. By midmorning the restaurant was packed with the delightful assortment of Sunday morning folks. Hungover twenty somethings sat next to uppity brunch guzzlers who just ran five miles with their yoga group. Families in their Sunday best sat next to couples who are both trying desperately to look cultured in front of their one night stand. (OK, I’ll tell you one of the special names: Took a turn to fast blackened chicken wings) One family was particularly out of place. A group fresh from church had all the makings of a bad table, and Erica was their server. “I knew it was gonna be rough right off the bat,” Erica told this reporter. “You know the type, where nobody wants to be there. They’re all dressed up so you know they came from church or something. The mom is just staring off into space, not looking at the menu or anything just like, ‘how did I get here?’ ‘is this what life is for other people?’ or ‘if I got a margarita would they let me drink it in the bathroom?’ and the kids are just little shits. “They’re starving, and bored, they already ate all the crackers at the table and got crumbs and shit everywhere, and the dad looks like the priest finally told him what he does with his fantasy football friends is gambling and the other stuff he does with Ted is against God’s law. But yeah, they’re pissed.” This happens all the time in the industry and we know. Sometimes you just end up at a restaurant and you just settle for it. That’s how people get to be at Applebee’s -both as customers and as employees. You just wake up one morning and realize, ‘Wow, this whole ‘life’ thing took a hard left at some point’ (Also the name of another special: Hard left soft boiled eggs with The Rock sauce -who the fuck knows what that is). “Yeah, so after they get done praying, and after the dad screaming at the kids that they’re going to have the ‘Fast and Furious presents: Ham and Carburetor Cajun Hushpuppies’ and like it, and the mom is just gonna have the ‘This Franchise will Never Die Falafel’ and the ‘Drifted Into Jelly Strawberry Danish’. They finally get done. Kids are the worst thing too. I do not understand how they consume food at all. When there’s kids at a table, it’s like someone just smashed the food with a hammer into all the surfaces around them. The thing is though, it’s like the same amount of food that I brought out to them, like did any of it get in their bodies? Can children just get nutrients by rubbing food on their faces? Cuz that’s all I see happen.” “Anyway,” Erica remarked, “This fucking piece of shit dad just draws a line through the tip space on the reciept and writes ‘You are in our prayers’ and they fucking leave. What a fucking dick. How about you take a fucking look at your life to see how far thoughts and prayers have gotten you? If you pray everyday for a better world or some ludicrous platitude like that, then all you need to do is turn on the fucking TV to see how well that shit is working out. I don’t understand how people surrounded by direct evidence of their own personal shittyness and constant failures can, at the same time, have the cognitive dissonance to think that they’re fucking excused from being a normal tolerant person because of the fact that they occasionally go to church. How do you square that circle Steve? By going to church at all, if you believe any of that shit, then you agree with the most basic tenets of religion, that a) there is an unknowable force that you can never fathom that moves in the world and you will struggle your whole life to have some sort of connection to it; and b) that force created the world around you. Agreeing with these things, you then walk out into that world that the thing THAT YOU JUST PRAYED ABOUT MADE FOR ALL HUMANS, and you’re like, I don’t need to do shit to make this any better. There’s nothing in this world that I don’t understand and that no one has feelings or beliefs or dreams or anything. You just think you can tip another human in “Thoughts and Prayers”. What the fuck is your life? You just wander from one anxious state of confusion to another without realizing the impact of the shit you do on the world and not thinking, FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND that maybe, just maybe, you don’t understand what’s going on, and you should do some fucking research and realize that I work here for fucking money to feed my family, and to do other things, and that other people are just as alive as you are and experience things with the same amount of depth and nuance as you, and it’s no fucking mystery that you need to treat the planet and the other people who live on it with respect and dignity. (also the funniest menu item is the Paul Walker Smash Burger)

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