EL PASO, TX— The FOH staff of Team Pita was at a loss during their dinner rush last night. Every time a ticket was rang in, it was prepared and placed in the expo window within a reasonable amount of time. No one could figure out what was going on. This was such an unheard-of occurrence at Team Pita that no one really knew how to handle it. “I’m just confused, because the kitchen is usually way behind during the rush,” explained server Adriana Louise in between running dishes to tables. “We usually have to ask them several times when things are going to be ready because our guests are getting mad at us. But today, everything is right on time. I don’t get it.” “I’ve never seen these food runners work so hard,” General Manager Fred Castley told Sauce On the Side, beaming with baffled joy. “Usually the servers and SAs are all just hanging out on their phones once the sections fill up, because the food takes so long to come out. Our regulars are mostly used to it by now, and we’ve just started telling new guests that the kitchen is understaffed, because it usually is, and even when it isn’t, there’s always some kind of issue with the back of house.” He leaned in too close to our reporter for not having received consent and whispered, “They do a lot of drugs.” “It’s not just the drugs,” line cook Douglas Gemini said huffily when we asked him about it. “This restaurant does not know how to operate a waitlist rotation. We can’t just fill up all at once when the kitchen can’t handle that many tickets coming in all at the same time. It’s Fred’s fault for being such a dumbass; he really doesn’t understand how restaurants work. Today’s going pretty well though.” We asked all the line cooks to share why they thought today was going so well for them, and the ones that didn’t tell us to fuck off said that it basically came down to a perfect storm. “So Kale is out sick; he usually works on Saturdays and he always hits two blunts before he comes in and never knows what the fuck is going on,” Shawn Rummell confided to us, yelling from his station. “Rex is working for him tonight, and he brought in coke for all of us as an apology for the last shift he worked when he got too drunk and passed out on the prep table. I’d already done my nightly adderall, but of course I did some with the rest of these idiots, and now I feel like an unstoppable immortal lion-centaur beast, a god among men. I might still be on acid from earlier too, but probably not. Anyway, it looks like we all did just the right amount of uppers, Rex replaced Kale, the tickets are coming in in an order that makes sense for all of us with the stations we’re working, and there’s a new moon in Libra. So with all that combined, you’re getting a once-in-a-lifetime experience. At least we don’t have to keep hearing all those fucking servers bitch about their food not being ready. I think one day I’m going to murder all of them and hide their bodies in pieces around the restaurant.” “It’s just hard for us because we haven’t really been prepared for a well-run kitchen,” Adriana complained from the Front of House. “I feel like we’re just running back and forth and we’re not even getting that time to hang out with our tables while they wait for their food and give them all the excuses we’ve memorized, because the food keeps coming out in a timely manner. I think if this is going to be a more regular occurrence, they should give us more training on how to deal with it. They can’t expect us to just keep up.” Unfortunately, based on the factors we saw last night, Sauce On the Side does not believe that this will become a regular occurrence. We will check back at the next new moon in Libra and see how things are going then.

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