Trainee Witnesses Third Thing That “Never Happens”

By March 8, 2019 No Comments

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Stacy Garland is in the middle of her first training shift at Kegs Benedict, a local breakfast brewery, and seriously considering walking out. Despite only having been on the clock for around two and a half hours, Miss Garland became the unfortunate witness to the absolute chaos that working at Kegs Benedict has to offer. Her trainer, Mark Roberts, is actively trying to shield her from the perfect storm of fuckery that is a Friday night shift. “I have no idea why they scheduled me to train someone on a goddamn Friday,” Mark said after sending Stacy outside. “Usually we do this kind of thing on a Monday or Tuesday, when our staff and customers can be well behaved. Now I feel like I’m taking her to Thanksgiving dinner at my family’s place and having to apologize for my drunk uncle, overly-political dad and casually racist grandma after knowing her for, like, two hours.” Mark is referring to the litany of events that he’s been forced to apologize for as Stacy stares, wide-eyed, at the scene unfolding before her. When Miss Garland saw one of the cooks storm in late screaming: “I hate every one of you bitches here, you’re lucky this place helped me pay for the third DUI I got because it was my girlfriend’s birthday. If it weren’t for that, I would have burned this motherfucker down years ago,” Mark simply leaned over and told Stacy how much the staff cares for each other and that it’s honestly a great place to work. “I’ve been in the industry for over a decade,” Miss Garland, assessing her surroundings for threats, told Sauce On the Side. “I’m used to things going wrong at a restaurant, but this place is next level. One of their customers got up from the bar and just started wandering around to other tables, eating right off of other people’s plates. Mark tried to say that Gary only gets that way when he’s been overserved and that he’ll settle down after he fills up. I don’t think he realizes what the actual problem there is. Oh, and then, like, fifteen minutes later I’m watching the manager and hostess eating each other’s faces at the host stand. As customers are waiting to be seated. My trainer passed it off as some kind of sign that they’ve got a healthy relationship or something. “It seems like this place keeps operating in spite of itself. There’s no way I’m going to pass up an opportunity to work here, for that reason alone. Nothing makes you feel better about where you are in life than watching the hellscape that is a dysfunctional restaurant.”

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