COLLEGE STATION, TX — Over 5,000 active-duty Army soldiers have recently descended upon the southernmost On the Border location in Texas. Sharon Smith has been desperately trying to cope with the massive influx of unexpected service members.


“There’s no other way to put this; it’s bullshit,” Sharon, the front of house manager, told Sauce On the Side, “a party of this size should have called ahead. We don’t have enough seats for everyone, there’s no time for anyone to bus tables and, to top it all off, we’re understaffed today. I’ve got one server working the parking lot and the patio. I didn’t even know we could have a parking lot section.”


It would seem when President Trump insisted that troops be put “on the border,” without any clear specification as to where his staff just decided to take him literally. Largely due to the fact that the President’s staff have never worked any service industry job in their lives, they had never considered calling ahead to inform the location of the decision.


As it stands, Sharon has two hour ticket times from the kitchen, completely run out of tequila, and around 76 birthdays today. “If my servers and I have to sing happy birthday to another goddamn table, I’m going to kill myself. We’ve done it twenty-seven times already. The last free dessert the kitchen sent out for a birthday table had ‘help us’ written in chocolate syrup on the plate. Now I hear they’re supposed to be here until after Thanksgiving. I don’t even know why. It’s not like they’re doing anything here other than watching us work.”

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