TOLEDO, OH — The Lobster’s Death Rattle, like all restaurants, receives the bulk of its business on Friday and Saturday, with the odd midday rush or two on Sunday. Death Rattle’s staff spends these days catering to those who toil away in the Monday through Friday ratrace. As a result, the majority of the staff receives the odd weekday off as a reprieve from their weekend misery. Chris, the kitchen manager, decided to spend his Tuesday away from work at work, reciting selections from Les Miserables and drinking in a manner that can only be described as awesomely irresponsible. “I mean I live like two blocks from here” Chris told Sauce OTS, after his fourth triple tequila, “I can get as drunk as I want after work.”
Chris, now six triple tequilas in and a cocktail of his own design he has decided to call a ‘Long Island Iced Wine’ deep, began to sing, incredibly poorly and out of tune, “I Dreamed a Dream” while simultaneously harassing every customer in a fifteen foot radius. He then moved on to an astoundingly depressing version of “Master of the House” -standing on the bar for the entire song- that drowned out the lounge music and could be heard by smokers lingering by the dumpsters.
The general disdain from families eating at the nearby booths went completely unnoticed. Only those sitting at the bar who were as drunk as he was had anything to say about the spectacle. Informing this reporter that they felt the spirited performance was nuanced and heartfelt.
“He seemed like he just became Eponine: I felt the pain, the struggle and the uselessness of life in Victorian France. It was great.”
“He kicked over my drink, but I didn’t mind. He was spellbinding, and the omission of the second or third verse in most the songs was a brave and daring choice.”
Sondra, one of the sober diners, sitting in a booth told Sauce OTS, “Dude, it’s 11:30 in the morning, how has he not been cut off yet? That dude has to have been drinking since yesterday afternoon. I guess it’s nice to have these little reminders during the week that the I’m not an alcoholic, but I don’t go looking for them when I’m on my lunch break.”
Chris and several other employees plan to recreate this debauchery later this week, claiming, “some of the FOH staff have Thursday off, so we’re gonna get hammered and do Grease in the prep kitchen.” When reached for comment about the angry customer responses to the unignorable drunken display, the manager on duty simply said, “leave me alone today’s my Friday.”