ORLANDO FL — Jessie Garrett, has been working at Larry’s Double Combo Fry Cafe for seven months. In addition to to thirteen hours a week he has consistently worked, Jessie has also managed to furnish resentment from every other staff member that he works with. His coworkers have described him as a useless pile of dish rags and garbage molded into the form of a slender, shitty humanoid; the reason why birth control was invented, and a total fucking idiot. In his first week working at Larry’s, Jessie missed three shifts and constantly asked if he could leave early during the shifts he showed up for because it wasn’t worth his time to be there.
“I just don’t think I’m being challenged enough there,” Jessie, who this reporter can confirm is a useless piece of shit, said, “nobody there respects the amazing ideas I have all the time or how badass I am at cooking, Honestly, it’s just hard to be the guy carrying an entire kitchen on my back.” Jessie’s latest special idea was a toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a caramel dipping sauce. It was not put on the menu. When Sauce OTS approached Mr. Garrett’s kitchen manager for comment, he had this to say: “That little shit thinks he’s carrying the kitchen on his back? I’ve never even seen him take trash out on any of his shifts. Seriously, we just pile trash bags up around his station and watch him step over them. It’s a game we play every shift. The only reason we keep him around is because the rage we feel towards him gives us something to bond over. It’s great for morale.”